


metaknight@supersmashbrawlers.com

by Lady_Arrowwood, RadiantSeraphina (Lady_Arrowwood)



Series: Super Smash Email (AKA Alas, Poor Meta Knight) [1]
Category: Kirby (Video Games), Kirby's Return to Dreamland, Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Parody, email, smash comedy month, tw: unsanitary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 17:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3987223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Arrowwood/pseuds/Lady_Arrowwood, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Arrowwood/pseuds/RadiantSeraphina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Meta Knight finds that his Dimensional Cape has been stolen, he sends out an email with a perfectly reasonable request: give it back. Unfortunately for Meta Knight, Kirby and Dedede can use email, too…</p>
            </blockquote>





	metaknight@supersmashbrawlers.com

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from Tumblr. I wanted to put all the email fics in one place, so it's a more-or-less cohesive story.

**To** : Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Kirby, Fox, Pikachu, Bowser, Pit, Villager, Mega Man, Wii Fit Trainer, Pikmin and Olimar, Luigi, Peach, and 749 Others

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 5:30 AM

 **RE:** A Matter of Great Importance

 

Dear Smashers:

 

I am uncertain as to whom this email should be directed. However, I would like to inform said person that the theft of my Dimensional Cape will not be taken lightly. If it is returned into my position within twenty-four hours, I shall overlook this transgression, in the name of peace, generosity, etc. However, if my cape is not returned to me, I shall unleash upon this person a fury beyond the imaginings of both mortal and immortal.

 

Sincerely, etc.

Sir Meta Knight

 

P.S. Kirby, you’d better not have done this; you know better.

  

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From:** Kirby

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 5:31 AM

 **RE: RE:** A Matter of Great Importance

 

Hi!!!!!!! Metanyte! I did not taek ur cap! But I can hep u luk 4 it!

 

Poyo poyo poyo poyo!

 

Ur frend

Kaabbi

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From:** Kirby

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 5:32 AM

 **RE: RE:** A Matter of Great Importance

 

Mednyte!!!! Did u fynd ur cap et? I can hep! Meda?

 

Sinseerle,

Kaabii

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From** : Kirby

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 5:33 AM

 **RE: RE:** A Matter of Great Importance

 

Can u spel mi nam agin? Plees medanyte?

 

Sinseerlee,

Kaabii?

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Kirby

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 5:34 AM

 **RE: RE:** A Matter of Great Importance

 

Kirby.

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From:** Ganondorf

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 5:45 AM

 **RE: RE:** A Matter of Great Importance

 

Meta Knight.

 

Kindly teach Kirby not to abuse the ‘reply all’ function. I am trying my hand at ‘sexting,’ and it is made all the more difficult by your boyfriend’s constant emailing. Every time Kirby emails me, my phone pings and tries to open the email. I am most displeased.

 

Sincerely,

Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Ganondorf

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 6:00 AM

 **RE:** A Matter of Greater Importance

 

To Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo,

 

Three things:

 

One, the task of teaching Kirby not to ‘reply all’ is impossible; I have tried.

 

Two, Kirby is not my boyfriend. You may be unaware of how my species ages, but I feel I must inform you that I am _significantly_  older than Kirby. Also, May-December romances—I believe the term is—are not of interest to me; simply put, Kirby is too young for my tastes. We are rivals and nothing more.

 

Third, I would prefer not to hear about your sexting habits. Thank you.

 

Sincerely, etc.

Sir Meta Knight

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From:** Ganondorf

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 6:15 AM

 **RE:** Are you serious?

 

Meta Knight.

 

I saw the two of you making out in the hallways of the _Halberd_. Do you honestly expect me to believe that you _aren’t _romantically involved? Also, I will talk about my sexting as much as I like!

 

Sincerely,

Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Ganondorf

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 6:25 AM

 **RE: RE:** Are you serious?

 

Dear Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo,

 

Firstly, you are not allowed on my ship. Secondly, I was _not_ kissing him! I was merely spitting my food into his mouth! This is

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From:** Link

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 6:40 AM

 **RE:** What?

 

Farore’s Greetings to Sir Meta Knight,

 

I don’t think there is a good way to ask this, but I received an email this morning. Actually, I received two, but…what is this about you spitting food into Kirby’s mouth? Is this a sort of mating ritual among your kind? * _is curious*_

 

\--Link

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Jigglypuff

 **From:** Ganondorf

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 6:45 AM

 **RE:** TOLD YOU SO

 

Dear Jigglypuff,

 

Did I not tell you that Meta Knight and Kirby were a couple? Pay up, Pinkie.

 

Sincerely,

Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo

 

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Kirby, Meta Knight

 **From:** King Dedede

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 6:55 AM

 **RE:** WHY ARE YOU UP SO EARLY?

 

SIR META KNIGHT AND KIRBY,

 

WHY ARE YOU BOTH UP SO EARLY? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING UNTIL AT LEAST TEN! IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS, AND MY EMAIL ALERT THINGY WOKE ME UP! I DEMAND YOU FIX THIS, META KNIGHT!

 

LOTS OF LOVE,

KING DEDEDE, RULER OF DREAMLAND

 

* * *

 

 **To:** King Dedede

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 7:00 AM

 **RE: RE** : WHY ARE YOU UP SO EARLY?

 

Your Royal Majesty,

 

I am awake, having discovered the theft of my Dimensional Cape. Kirby has evidently found a stash of candy and is, thus, unable to sleep.

 

The ‘email alert thingy’ is simple to turn off. If you press the button on the side of your phone, you can set the volume to silent, and it will bother you no longer.

 

Sincerely,

Sir Meta Knight

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From:** Princess Zelda

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 7:05 AM

 **RE: RE** : Are you serious?

 

To the Esteemed Sir Meta Knight and the Heroic Kirby, Defenders of the Kingdom of Dreamland:

 

After much pondering, I have decided to extend my congratulations. I wish you much happiness in your relationship. I think you will both discover that such intimacy may provide a very rewarding experience.

 

Nayru’s Blessings,

Princess Zelda of Hyrule

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Link, Princess Zelda, Ganondorf

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 7:15 AM

 **RE: RE: RE:** Are you serious?

 

Dear Princess Zelda, Link of Hyrule, and Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo,

 

I must regrettably inform you that Kirby and I are not in a relationship. I was spitting food into his mouth to heal him, a common practice on our home-planet Pop Star. While in the midst of writing that email, Kirby chose to—I believe _glomp_ is the vernacular—me, and his foot accidentally sent the email to everyone.

 

Sincerely,

Sir Meta Knight

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Link

 **From:** Princess Zelda

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 7:25 AM

 **RE:** Link

 

To Link, My Beloved Champion of Hyrule and Bearer of the Triforce of Courage:

 

Do you recall promising to accompany me on an outing of my choosing, if I was correct about Meta Knight and Kirby _not_ being a couple? Time to pay, Wolf-boy.

 

Nayru’s Blessings,

Princess Zelda of Hyrule

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Princess Zelda

 **From:** Link

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 7:40 AM

 **RE** : Oh, that…

 

Most Gracious Princess,

 

As you say. ;)

 

\--Link

 

P.S. As if I’d ever forget a promise I made to you.

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight, Kirby

 **From:** King Dedede

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 8:00 AM

 **RE:** META KNIGHT

 

META KNIGHT! THE BUTTON THINGY DIDN’T WORK, SO I STARTED READING ALL THE EMAILS! WHY ARE YOU DOING FACE TO FACE WITH KIRBY AND NOT ME? THIS IS SO UNFAIR! I’M COMING OVER RIGHT NOW!

 

LOTS OF LOVE,

KING DEDEDE, RULER OF DREAMLAND

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Mario

 **From:** Luigi

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 8:01 AM

 **RE:** Thoughts

 

Hey, Bro,

 

Do you think hitting ‘reply all’ is some sort of Dreamlandic custom to promote social unity or something? I’ve been getting ‘reply all’ messages from Kirby and King Dedede all morning. Oh, and evidently, Meta Knight is into some really odd things. He, Kirby, and Dedede are evidently sharing food or kissing…or something. It sounds very intimate, so I’m debating on whether or not to tell Meta Knight about the ‘reply all’s’. I mean, maybe he doesn’t want everyone to know about...whatever they’re doing.

 

Luigi

 

* * *

 

 **To:** King Dedede

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 8:02 AM

 **RE: RE:** META KNIGHT

 

NO!

 

* * *

 

 **To:** King Dedede

 **From** : Kirby

 **Sent** : Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 8:03 AM

 **RE: RE:** META KNIGHT

 

Kay king dedededddede!!!! Coom hav fun wit kirbee an medikni!

 

Sincerely lots o luv

kaaabii

 

* * *

 

 **To** : Luigi

 **From** : Mario

 **Sent** : Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 8:10 AM

 **RE: RE:** Thoughts

 

I dunno. But yeah, I saw them. I guess it’s not too weird. I mean, parent birds spit food into baby birds’ mouths, right? I _think_ that’s what Meta Knight meant. Still, I say we just let it be. Whatever Meta Knight, Kirby, and Dedede do in their spare time isn’t any of my business.

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Kirby Fox, Pikachu, Bowser, Piit, Villager, Mega Man, Wii Fit Trainer, Pikmin and Olimar, Luigi, Peach, and 749 Others

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 8:30 AM

 **RE** : A Matter of Great Importance

 

Dear Smashers:

 

I kindly request that you ignore all emails from King Dedede, Kirby, and myself this morning, barring my initial email regarding the theft of my Dimensional Cape.

 

Sincerely, etc.

Sir Meta Knight

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From** : Magolor

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 9:00 AM

 **RE:** Your Cape

 

Hey, Meta Knight!

 

So I—well, you probably won’t believe this, but I felt really bad about the whole Master Crown thing. I built a theme park to make it up to Kirby, so I thought I ought to do something nice for you. Your Dimensional Cape looked kind of dingy, so I thought I’d wash it for you. Only it kind of…shrunk.

 

Please, don’t kill me!

Magolor

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Meta Knight

 **From** : Magolor

 **Sent** : Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 9:05 AM

 **RE: RE:** Your Cape

 

Magolor,

 

You _shrunk an ancient, magical artifact_! How am I supposed to fly and switch dimensions? Why _by the Fountain of Dreams_ would you decide to _randomly wash my clothing_?

 

Etc.,

Sir Meta Knight

 

* * *

 

 **To** : Magolor

 **From** : Kirby

 **Sent** : Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 9:15 AM

 **RE: RE** : Your Cape

 

O cors medanyt is kay!!!! Com pway wit kirbe dedededede n medinyte! we ken sharr!

 

Poyo luv sinceerle etc

Kirby!

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Magolor

 **From:** Dedede

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 9:20 AM

 **RE: RE:** Your Cape

 

YOU MONSTER! THAT CAPE IS VERY VERY VERY VERY SPECIAL TO SIR META KNIGHT!

 

NOT LOTS OF LOVE,

KING DEDEDE, RULER OF DREAMLAND

 

* * *

 

 **To:** Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Kirby, Fox, Pikachu, Bowser, Pit, Villager, Mega Man, Wii Fit Trainer, Pikmin and Olimar, Luigi, Peach, and 749 Others

 **From:** Meta Knight

 **Sent:** Wednesday, April 1, 2015: 9:30 AM

 **RE:** Attention

 

Dear Smashers:

 

I shall be spending the remainder of the tournament aboard the _Halberd_. Anyone wishing to speak to me must submit a request, in writing, to Sailor Waddle Dee. That is all.

 

Sincerely, etc.

Sir Meta Knight

 


End file.
